


Love Me Until I Can Love Myself

by fluidadoration



Series: A Character Study: There's more to it than meets the eyes. [5]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Bobby is a werebear and hates his life the most, Brotherly Love, Character Development, Character Study, Family Bonding, Hanbin was an asshole but learns to love himself, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, ikon is precious and is finally getting the recognition they deserve, is that a SPN thing?, the guys are awesome, what is that tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 12:18:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16387589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluidadoration/pseuds/fluidadoration
Summary: The members used to always hide behind Jiwon when Hanbin threw a fit and, for years, Hanbin had hated the other for it, for not flinching when he fixed him with a glare like all the other trainees did. He had hated how the other made him feel bare and pathetic and weak because he just wouldn’t budge. To this day, Jiwon has never lowered his eyes, especially not in front of Hanbin. He supposes Jiwon had just always known, known about his demons, known that he was ripping at every seam, trying desperately to hold himself together.





	Love Me Until I Can Love Myself

It’s one of those nights. 

Hanbin lays in the dark of his room on his mattress with shivers raking down his body. Nowadays, he doesn’t have much to worry about – at least in comparison to his trainee years but as always Hanbin’s mind is his biggest enemy, a demon that keeps him awake at night. The space beside him feels too cold and Hanbin, without opening his mouth, cries out for a certain somebody.

Behind every mask there’s a coward – That’s how the saying goes, doesn’t it? In hindsight, Hanbin looks at his former self and sees nothing but a pitiful, scared kitten, lashing out at the first chance he got. He knows he was too ambitious, too much of a perfectionist back then. Still is, to be honest. Maybe that’s why he lost so much, maybe that’s why his members – except for his Jiwon- feared him so much but, he guesses, in the light of your dreams shattering at your own fault even a kitten would seem like a tiger. 

Hanbin is sorry for a lot of things in his life but he isn’t sorry for choosing music over his youth, over his family and for long years as a desperate trainee even over his own happiness but he won’t ever forgive himself for how he dealt with his demons back then, how he treated those closest to him when they needed him to be kind before anything else. 

He knows his brothers have long forgiven him, for they have told him on numerous occasions trying to reach a broken Hanbin through his tears, but he just looks back at his arrogant eyes and bitingly cold words and despises himself.

At the end of the day, even Hanbin himself can see that he has softened much over the last few years under the gentle guidance of his close brothers who stayed firmly beside him through all the ups and downs even when he pushed them away. 

Donghyuk who taught him a healthy way to be ambitious. Yunhyeong, beautiful, caring Yunhyeong who taught him to be forgiving of his own faults and the faults of those around you. Chanwoo, as mindlessly prideful as Hanbin himself, who taught him how to take a blow or two without tumbling into a sad fit of rage. Jinhwan who closed his tiny fingers around Hanbin’s not much bigger hand and dragged him home at dawn after one another night spent in his small studio when Hanbin was delirious with the need to succeed, to make his members proud, to prove everybody wrong about his failures and shortcomings. Awkward Junhoe whose free spirit inspired Hanbin to not care about certain things sometimes, the two of them ditching their diets to go on a manhunt for greasy food when practicing got too much.

And, of course, there’s Bobby, Jiwon.

The older has always, for as long as Hanbin has known him, been a true force of nature and it has taken years for Hanbin to recognize his feelings for what they truly are. That ambitious, controlling Hanbin has fallen in love, hopelessly and so so truly, over crumpled music sheets, the mirrors of their practice room fogging over at two o’clock in the morning and secrets smiles, a warm, big hand on the small of his back keeping him from toppling over in exhaustion.

The members used to always hide behind Jiwon when Hanbin threw a fit and, for years, Hanbin had hated the other for it, for not flinching when he fixed him with a glare like all the other trainees did. He had hated how the other made him feel bare and pathetic and weak because he just wouldn’t budge. To this day, Jiwon has never lowered his eyes, especially not in front of Hanbin. He supposes Jiwon had just always known, known about his demons, known that he was ripping at every seam, trying desperately to hold himself together, to hold onto his hope for an easier, happier future full of music, sun and stages. 

It didn’t help that while little, scrawny Hanbin had stayed slightly less little but still very scrawny Hanbin, Kim Jiwon had the audacity to grow into a truly imposing man. 

Taller, much stronger than any of their team and all sharp and hard lines. Hanbin had always found him intimidating, not cold, no, but unreadable, unattainable with his genuine confidence and warm brown eyes. He isn’t just physically stronger, that’s not what this is about, not what it’s ever been about. No, Jiwon neither intends to use his overpowering strength to his advantage nor does he need to. He draws respect by simply moving and speaking with such purpose and confidences that it cleaves the air around him and hanbin had been steadily choking.

The truth is, and Hanbin can admit it without feeling any jealously, that the respect and attention he gets are undoubtedly well-deserved and not simply a product of his looks or charisma.   
Now years later, after a tiring journey Hanbin has learned to accept many things about himself. 

For example, he doesn’t have to wear snapbacks, big necklaces and baggy pants to fit in, he can just wear his green Vans, an oversized, colourful sweater that makes him feel all kinds of small and round glasses and he’s worth more than enough. He puts a childish band aid over his acne scars and smiles at himself in the mirror on a good day. On a bad day, Jiwon is there to kiss the tears away.

He knows now that his members aren’t perfect and will never be, but he also knows that each and everyone of them is breathtakingly stunning in their very own, not imperfect, no, but human way. 

 

After all, his adoration for them makes up his best parts.

 

And lastly, Hanbin knows that Jiwon will be there, always, and more than that he also has his heart and his soul. 

Hanbin in his entirety belongs only to Jiwon, they belong together and when Hanbin feels the mattress dipping down for the other has heard his cry, as always, and muscular arms circling his small waist and dragging him against a broad, warms chest he doesn’t even try to stop his tears. 

Hanbin may not love himself yet, may not able to forgive himself just yet but with someone like Jiwon loving him, it’s enough for now. He’s still got time to learn more from his brothers.


End file.
